The Bachelor Season 27 - Season Premiere Recap

 

Tears, Tantrums, pettiness, drama! The Bachelor is back baby. 

This season, Zach Shallcross, who competed on the most recent season, now gets his chance to choose a woman to become a household name until their contract with ABC expires. 

The show opens with a preview of the season, and of course we see the drama, betrayals, women walking away like a toddler who didn’t get a cookie, etc. the preview ends with Zach claiming he’s about to propose to the love of his life….is she tho? 

Jesse Palmer is back in a rented tux. This one has no back because it was stolen from a funeral home. They have a tight budget this season folks. #Inflation. 

We get an intro with Zach, and he’s visited by Sean Lowe, the former virgin who actually got married to the woman he chose, and is now married with children. For those of you still out of the loop, babies do NOT come from storks. It’s been a while since Sean was on the show. He looks a lot older now. They rigorous baby making will do that to you. 

We get a reminder of Zach meeting five women during the last season finale of The Bachelorette. 

Viewers at home were asked to vote, and out of  five women, America chose Briana to win a first impression rose. 

Now it’s time to meet the women.

First up is Bailey, an executive recruiter from Nashville who now lives in Venice Beach. She is down for meeting someone in an unconventional way. She introduced herself during the finale with a weird rhyme with her name. Zach then called her, “Bailyn,” ok then. 

Next is Kathryn, an oncology nurse from Tampa.  She says Zach is definitely her type.

Next we meet Christina Mandrell. Not very often do we see someone’s first and last name displayed. But this is for good reason I guess. Her mom was one of the Mandrell Sisters. Oh how glorious this will be! She claims music is not her passion. Christina Mandrell has a 5 year old daughter going on 15. Christina Mandrell definitely wants more kids. She see herself falling for Zach 

Next we have Charity, a child and family therapist from Atlanta. She critiques Zach during After the Final Rose. She’s eager to get married. 

Next we have hot mess, Champagne drinking, squirrel loving Greer, a medical sales rep from Houston. Ok based on the opening of her package, this girl definitely takes her work home with her. Oh great Greer is referring

To Greer in the third person. She says they all the guys she meets, their intent isn’t pure. Ok Greer just comes off as a crazy girl. 

Next us Brooklyn, a rodeo racer from Stillwater, Oklahoma. She looks straight out of a mounted music video. She seems sweet though. A normal girl so she’ll probably go far.

We meet Briana again who flashes America’s first impression rose. She says her family

Really wants her to get married. 

Next we meet Cinderella aka Kaity from Austin, Texas and is a nurse. It seems the entire cast this season is made up of nurses from Texas. Oh her and Zach live in the same city. How convenient. She talks about healing from a really bad breakup, and she ready to find someone. She’s excited to meet Zach. 

Since we’ve met a small handful of women, it’s time to show a montage of Zach getting ready for the cocktail party. 

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Zach enters and has a small chat with Jesse. If I took a shot anytime someone in this show said amazing, surreal, or something about being there for the right reasons; I’d be in a coma. 

Time for the first limo to pull up! 

First out of the Limo is Jess, an E-Commerce coordinator from Florida. Jess has so many emotions going through her head. It could be she’s getting suffocated by the 20 pounds of glitter she’s wearing. 

Next we meet Ariel, a marketing exec from New York. She explains to Zach that she missed her flight, lost her luggage, and ripped her dress in the process of getting there. Sounds like a movie plot. 

Charity is up next to meet Zach. She explains that her name means love, and they’re no better place to find love. So corny. 

Next is Davia, a marketing manager from Charleston, South Carolina. She gets the party started by popping champagne. Ooh maybe her and Greer can share a bottle, get plastered, and make out in the swimming pool. One can dream right? 

Next we meet Gabi, an account executive from Vermont. She gets out of the limo with a bottle of maple syrup and has Zach drink it. I love maple syrup, but drinking it straight from a bottle is not something I’d like to do. 

And here comes Greer staggering out of the limo with a cup of coffee she claims came all the way from New York, and it’s still hot. An odd way to introduce yourself. She said it was because he was in for a long night, and said that she hopes the coffee isn’t piping hot like them. Is that supposed to be clever? 

Next is Maria Von Trapp. Not really but close enough. Viktoria E, a nanny from Vienna Austria. She said there’s a tradition  in Austria where people give each other two kisses when meeting. She wants to break from tradition and give four. Why though? What’s the point. If they do four does that mean he gets the fifth one free? I’m so confused.

Moving on we meet Madison, a business owner from Fargo, North Dakota. Who says that Zach is mighty fine. Using some North Dakota slang. Oofta? Okey Dokey. 

Next is Aly, a healthcare strategist  from Atlanta. No gimmicks here just some small talk and we move on. 

We next meet Anastasia, who is a content marketing manager from San Diego. She says to Zach that if he weren’t standing there, she wouldn’t be on the show.  Well since we got that out of the way…..

Next is Cat, who was one of the girls featured on After the final rose. Her perky personality probably won’t help her out. She seems kind of crazy. 

Inside, Gabi is worried about the girls who met Zach on ATFR, worried they have a leg up on everyone else.

We meet Brooklyn again. On the ATFR special she cursed on live TV. I mean at least she didn’t slap someone due to an Ill timed joke, but hey it’s only night one. 

Bailyn Bailey is back after Zach messed up her name on live TV. She puts on a name tag so he doesn’t forget her name. They share a kiss as she goes inside. 

Next out of the limo is Kaity, who we met earlier. She tells Zach she’s also from Austin, Texas and makes a joke about everything bigger in Texas. Ok then. 

We now meet Genevieve, a Neonatal nurse from Baltimore. They exchange small talk and hug. Nothing too exciting or over the top.

Up next is Katherine, a registered dermatology nurse from Tampa. She ask Zach if he wants to “spf” her. Kinky! But all she really wants him to do is put sunscreen on her. Blames fine intense moon on her decision. Zach calls her stunning. 

Up next we have some dude playing a trumpet and we hear what sounds like a marching band. In walks Vanessa, a restaurant marketer from Baton Rouge, throwing beads. I’m surprised she didn’t try and flash her goods. 

Now a montage of women who will probably be eliminated tonight. First is Kimberly, who raps for Zach, Then we meet Olivia M, a stylist from Cincinnati who tells Zach that as she was packing she found two Pennies heads up and says she hopes that brings them good luck. Then Victoria J, who loves Zach’s voice, has him read off a card saying her dress is amazing. Then there’s Kylee who talks to Zach using a mega phone.  Then there’s Lehka who licks Zach on the ear to, “mark her territory.” Even if we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic that’s still be weird. I hope Zach got his rabies vaccine.  

There’s Holland who mentioned the trip to Holland on the last season of The Bachelor and said it didn’t work out because he was in the wrong Holland. She then apologized to her parents. She should be ashamed of herself!

Next comes Mercedes, a pig farmer who brought her pet pig Henry. I honestly hope Zach gives a rise to Henry as opposed to Mercedes.

 

Oh ok, now we have a party bus pull up, and out walks Christina Mandrell. She said she was coming from her Bachelorette party, then tries to dance in her confessional. This girl is so annoying. 

We then quickly meet Sonia, who probably won’t make it past the first episode since we only saw her for two seconds. Sad. 

Now we meet Becca who can’t wait to share this adventure with him. Cara hopes Zach is her last first date, since she’s gone on 30 previously. Olivia L calls Zach cute. She’s kind of slurring her words. She’s drunk already? 

We meet Brianna again. America of course gave her the first impression rose prior to the premiere. She says she’s here for his heart. 

That took forever to get through. 30 women. 

The exciting part is about to begin. The first cocktail party, where the woman will do anything to steal Zach for a second. 

Christina Mandrell is already freaking out like a 13 year old because one of the other girls is wearing the same exact dress as her, but in a different color. How Exciting!

Zach finally enters the room to join the girls. I hope producers offer medical compensation, because he’ll be getting whiplash from taking to girl after girl all night. 

He makes a speech saying how grateful he is to be there. Talks about loving family, football, and frozen pizza. Merica!

Now it’s time to get the party started. 

Up first to talk to Zach is Katherine; she explains how She wants to start out being just friends,

Saying family is important. Zach getting very tongue tied talking about Katherine. Seeing sparks already I see. 

Next talking with Zach is Kaity, who can’t imagine the shoes he’s in. Zach said it still hasn’t settled in to being The Bachelor, but is excited for the opportunity. Kaity says she feels like the luckiest girl In the world being there. They share a kiss as the girls watch. Kaity loves his soft lips. 

Now we have Christina Mandrell, who has Zach on the party bus, answering rapid fire compatibility questions using homemade flash cards. Zach talks about the artwork. Christina Mandrell seems to be vulnerable talking to him. She may not be as annoying as I think, but I could be wrong. She’s having a blast though. Oh now she asking him to kiss her. Already the first night and he’s kissed multiple women. I’m sure everyone is jealous, but it’s what they signed up for. A bunch of the girls then join them on the party bus where they decide to down champagne and dance. If Christina Mandrell is sent home, at least she provided a little fun for the ladies. 

Next we have Cat, who is eating a bunch of meatballs with Zach. Literally shoving them in her mouth. I’m pretty sure Cat swallows.

Only way this  would  romantic is if they re-enacted the scene from Lady and the Trump.

Now Zach talks to Brianna. They had brief time on stage, now they want to get to know each other a little more. Zach shared that he’s a regular dude who lives in Austin, and wants to find his forever person. I don’t think regular dudes appear on reality shows in a thousand dollar suit, but okay. Brianna said she did her part to show effort despite the short conversation.

Jesse has delivered the first impression rose, which Zach will give to a girl tonight. Tensions are mountain now, and the girls are getting nervous. 

Now Zach and Genevieve attempt to chance a fake baby’s diaper. I want to know who the fake father of this fake kid is. Genevie says she can definitively feel chemistry with Zach. 

Zach and Greer discuss family. She says her parents have been married for a long time, and that her grandpa is still together. She explains her family life, wanting to move to Austin, Texas. She’s already talking about eventually settling down in Austin. A little too early for that. Okay and another kiss. By the end of the night he may have the record for most opening night

Kisses. This makeout session is taking forever. Maybe they’ll just throw out roses and offer kisses instead. 

Madison is next to talk with Zach, putting in the effort to get a kiss. Madison says she could 1,000% fall in love with Zach. She thinks they’re chemistry is electric, and she keeps saying she wants to kiss him. Okay I found the crazy one.

Madison seeing these other girls interact is making her crazy. She’s determined to get a kiss. Well she’s now interrupting a serious conversation. This girl is giving stalker vines, and Zach should jump over the next fence he sees. Well she finally got a kiss, and now she’s saying she wishes it was more, calling it subpar. Zach said the kiss didn’t feel right, and feels overwhelmed. 

Now Madison is legit crying because she didn’t have a good kiss. This is some Fatal Attraction/Misery shit right here. Zach better get a security guard and lock his doors after this interaction. 

Of course Kimberly comes to hug an emotionally distraught Madison. Keep your head up Madison. I’m sure you’ll find true love in the psychiatric hospital you’ll be sent to. Now we Bailyn Bailey crying because they have her to talk.

Meanwhile, Zach sits down with Charity, who is probably one of the more normal girls this season. She explains her career working with kids, calling it life changing. Zach relates because his mom is in the same field. Here comes another kiss. 

Zach then talks to Jess who, of all things, talks about how cute Zach is. This conversation is kind of pointless. No substance. But she’s rewarded with another kiss. 

Zach walks in to see the ladies. He picks up the rose and gives it to Greer. Of course he picks the woman who’s facing backlash for wearing blackface. They kiss again as the kgnef girls cringe. 

Now back to Madison crying outside after not getting the first impression rose. Brooklyn didn’t get a chance to talk to him, and she isn’t even crying. Might be a good time to give Madison her antipsychotic and send her to bed. 

Just before the rose ceremony, Madison meets with Zach, disrupting him and Jesse having a bro moment. She makes sure that  Zach wants her on this journey. Zach thanks her for being here, but says his heart isn’t feeling it. And with that, crazy Madison is sent home  before the rose ceremony. 

Madison takes it well. Not really. What did she expect when she asked. She’s crying saying Zach has no idea what he’s missing out on. Someone get this her some lithium or something. 

It’s now time for the rose ceremony,

Zach offers roses to; Christina Mandrell, Charity, Bailey, Jess, Genevie, Davia, Ally, Brooklyn, Kaity, Anastasia, Kylee, Gabi, Katherine, Mercedes, Ariel, Victoria J, Kimberly, and Cat.

This means in addition to Madison, we say goodbye to Becca, Cara, Holland, Lehka, Olivia L, Olivia M, Sonia, Vanessa, and Viktoria E.

Now it’s time for our ladies to say goodbye. 

Lehka takes it well, but I’d upset. She’ll use this to make her a better person. Holland is crying, upset she wasn’t able to continue.

Zach toasts the women as the adventure continues.

Next week the fun begins!